Ready or not.....

my bags are almost packed. my boarding passes are printed. my carry-on is filled with things to keep me entertained during the 20 hour journey. i will be spending the first six days in El Alto, Bolivia and they last five days in Lima, Peru. each place has it's own unique set of challenges and adventures. El Alto sits at 13,300 feet so the altitude alone can present a variety of issues. the plan is to hit the ground running as soon as i land so i am doing my best to prepare for the first adventure in bolivia while i am still in southern california. i am excited to experience life in these two communities. i appreciate prayers for health and safety in these next few weeks. i will hopefully be posting updates as i travel.

Aren't you.....

this phrase has been a part of a lot of conversations i've had this week. aren't you scared? nervous? anxious? excited? to be honest, i am a little bit of all of those things and each one is wrestling for my attention throughout the day as i teach classrooms full of kids that also need my attention. i have a to-do list constantly running through my mind of all the things i need to get done in the next four days. important things like going to the bank to get cash for entry visas or go get passport pictures taken so i can get into bolivia. it seems like the list keeps growing and i keep putting this stuff off because other things come up. it's funny because all the other things keep me from over thinking about what life will be like if I choose to call one of these places home. i am taking 10 days to explore two countries in the hopes of calling one home for the next few years. when i stop to think about it....it seems kind of crazy, exciting, hopeful, new and scary all at the same time. i know i have been called to these places to live among the poor and vulnerable so i am confident that God is present with me as i pack and prepare in the next few days. i am confident that God will provide the peace I need as I explore the possibility of living in one of these countries that are known for violence and drug trafficking. God has been faithful in the past and i know He will be faithful again.

as i look forward to leaving, i have found myself looking back at pictures and journals from past trips. i have a wall of photos in my room that reminds me of the sweet moments i have been given to learn from those in poverty. chasing children around an open lot in uganda and as well as singing worship songs in swahili with my translator as we walked from hut to hut sharing the good news. remembering sweet adrian from ecuador that loved laughing as he was pushed around in a wheelbarrow and the excitement of kids out in the village who crushed flowers to create paint to decorate our faces. the hospitality of a family in costa rica that had such pride in showing us all of their country and would not let us pay for anything. the women in kolkata that are always in my mind and a reminder of the joy found in such dark places. giving Bibles to people who walked for two days in china so they would finally have their own copy of God's word. thinking back to my first trip to spain which would set my love of travel and adventure in motion. it is these memories that provide peace. it is these memories that remind me why i choose to go to the ends of the earth. it is these memories that keep me moving forward in finding joy and providing glimpses of hope in dark places.

next steps

ever since i left kolkata, i have been thinking, dreaming and praying about what life would look like after serving among the poor. it has been over a year since i said my goodbyes to the women who taught me what it means to hope for something better and love each other well. over the past year i have continued substitute teaching which is always an adventure and had the opportunity to work at forest home christian camp over the summer. it was one night during worship at summer camp that i knew it was time to move on to the next great adventure God was calling me to which turned out to be south america. i sent an email that night to start the process of dedicating the next few years to living among the poor and vulnerable in either peru (http://www.wordmadeflesh.org/peru/about) or bolivia (http://www.wordmadeflesh.org/bolivia/about) with word made flesh. i will be visiting lima, peru and el alto, bolivia march 27-april 7 to see where and if i can see myself living and serving for the next few years. i am following the path God has laid before me knowing that He is faithful and will provide for these next steps. as i look back on my journey through life, i can see God's hand along the way providing opportunities to develop skills such as spanish and teaching but close doors i was determined to walk through. i majored in spanish in hopes of doing international marketing but God had other plans and closed that door. instead i became a substitute teacher and learned to enjoy conversations with kids and having time to travel and learn what it means to love from those living in poverty. i learned what it looks like to desperately depend on God when my heart hurt for those i became friends with as they suffered at the hands of an unjust system. i saw God's faithfulness to provide just enough strength to get through each day in spite of the diseases that attacked my body. God has used the last few years to transform my heart and passions to seek out opportunities to serve those forgotten by the rest of the world which has led me to this next adventure. i ask for your prayers as seek God's will in these next steps. i would also accept words of encouragement.

koshto

today was hard. i said goodbye to the ladies i have grown the closest to in these four months. it was hard to see tears. it was hard to not have an answer when they asked if i was coming back. it was hard knowing that i may never see these ladies again this side of eternity. it was awesome getting to celebrate Christmas with them as we laughed, danced and cried together. i will always remember these moments. tomorrow will be another hard day. i will be sleeping in my own bed a week from today. i cant wrap my mind around that.

ashbe na

today we started the saying goodbye process in the form of a Christmas parties. today we got to get dressed up in our saris which took a whole clan of sari bari ladies. once everything was properly tucked into place and our petty coats were so tight we could barely breathe then the party was able to start. it was really cool to be able to sit with these ladies one last time as we prayed, sang songs and heard a devotion. it was also in this time that our mergi ma told the ladies that it would be our last visit to this sari bari unit. she said "ashbe na" which means they will not come again. for some reason this phrase always brings the reality that i am in my final week in this place that has been my home for the last four months. ashbe na. i still cant believe that the end has come. we have Christmas parties tomorrow and friday then our time at sari bari will be done. i have learned so much from these women that it will be really hard to say goodbye and thank them for the smiles, laughs, tears that i have shared with them. today was just a preview of the celebration that the Christmas parties are and the sadness that is leaving my sisters. it was so much fun to see all the ladies dressed up in their finest saris and try to imitate their dancing. my face hurts from laughing so much. i laughed a lot more today than i have here. it was awesome to see the ladies let loose. it will be good to leave on such a high note.

in other news.....winter has come to kolkata which means ive seen some pretty interesting fashions statements in the last week. i started seeing goats wearing sweatshirts about 3 weeks ago and thought that would take the cake. not true. i have seen grown men wearing pink fuzzy sweater vests. women wear blankets (calling them shawls) everywhere they go. little kids are put into these snow suit looking things which restrict movement and make them look like walking blobs (think a christmas story). everyone (yes, everyone) wears socks with sandals and they sell socks designed to be worn with flip flops. this city never ceases to amaze me.

my training blanket

the first week we arrived in kolkata, melissa let us know that we would have the opportunity to sew a training blanket at sari bari as a glimpse into the day to day work of the ladies. ill be the first to admit that i wasnt super excited about sewing a blanket and really considered passing up on the offer because im just not a girl who enjoys sewing. the first day of work at sari bari (back in august when all i could do was sweat and avoid stepping in puddles and poop) i decided that i would do it and take it on as a challenge. today, my last day at sari bari, i finished it alongside ladies i have grown to love in the crisp, cold december air. as i was putting the finishing touches on my blanket, i realized that my blanket is a reflection of my journey here in kolkata. my blanket started out as a couple of old saris with rips and wholes waiting to become a work of art. i came to kolkata with little idea of what this time would hold for me and i had my own brokenness and issues to work through. there is a steep learning curve with sewing blankets and living in kolkata. the first lines on my blanket look like my needle got drunk and took a leisurely stroll across my blanket and my back and fingertips were really sore. i realized just how hard it is to sit on the concrete for hours hunched over sewing. likewise, my first month in kolkata was filled with frustration, anger, confusion and learning. i faithfully carried my blanket with me each day to sari bari so its been abused on the metro and thrown around at sari bari. sometimes i feel like that is how my body has been treated by this city. the constant fight sometimes leaves me a little worse for the ware. as i got used to the rhythm of sewing, my lines became more straight and there was less pain except for the occasional needle poking my finger. over the past four months this city has become home. i have gotten used to fighting to get on/off the metro and buses. i have learned to dodge the yellow cars (they dont stop) and avoid getting sideswiped by rickshaws. i have learned to dance along with the rhythm of the city with only the occasional step out of tune. as i patched my blanket today, i thought about all the love, grace, mercy, protection that God has given me along my journey. without the patches my blanket would look unfinished and kind of shabby, but with the patches it looks like a masterpiece created by an artist. i see the patches that God has given me in this time and it makes me realize even more that i am His masterpiece. it has been a journey filled with joy, anger, frustration, learning, love, hope, and emptiness. God has used the lows to show me His presence in this city in spite of the darkness and the good times to celebrate the light that He is to these ladies. it has been a long, hard journey but i am coming back as a slightly patched up creation.

this week we will be celebrating Christmas with our sari bari family as well as saying goodbye to ladies we have come to love as they invited us to share life with them. please pray as for my team as we mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare to leave this city.

moments

i have two weeks until i am back in america. it seems like all i have are moments left with the people i have come to love in this city. a couple days ago my indian mom had me sit on the bed while she got out all of her jewelry in search of bangles that would match my sari for the the Borodin (Christmas) party. it turned into her putting earings, multuiple necklaces, rings, bangles, and to top it off a bindi (the red dot married indian women wear). in that moment there was such joy as she played dress up with her american daughter. a moment i will always remember. yesterday one of the ladies met me and erin on the way to sari bari so we walked into work with her. (as a note, it is really common for girls to hold girl's hands or boys to hold boy's hands as they stroll (slowly) down the streets.) she guided across the sidewalk as any protective mama hen would do for her baby chickens. (at sari bari we are referred to as mergi batchas which means baby chickens.) we turned a corner and she grabbed my hand and we started talking about the sari i would wear to the Borodin party and the wedding that she went to over the weekend. all the while, she was throwing dirty looks like it was her job because the streets were filled with men. it was probably such a weird sight for anyone who saw it but in that moment we walked down the street hand in hand as sisters. that is moment i will always remember.

the experience of walking hand in hand with my india sister helped me to put into perspective my journey in kolkata. when God first asked me to come to india i was confused and hesitant because india was never a place that was even on my radar. when i made the decision to come and submitted my application, i grabbed onto God with both hands knowing that He would guide me in the path He laid out for me. in the time leading up to my departure date, there were several things like support raising and saying goodbye that i put in God's hands. as we arrived, with one hand i clung to my Heavenly Father and with the other i clung to the mergi ma as she ushered us around the city. she taught us what we needed to know about this city like getting around and what to expect from men in a crowded metro. i was like a child being held up by two parents as i learned to walk in this city. as time has flown by i have learned to walk without the constant help of the mergi ma. God still has not let go of me in this time. this week i walked hand in hand with my sari bari sister. this place is home now.

My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8