"What are you so happy about?!?!?"

Today I spend the morning with a good friend eating gluten free pancakes, drinking chai tea lattes and strolling along the Dana Point Harbor. This friend has walked the path of disappointment, anger, sadness and joy of not going to Peru. It has been a path filled with high and lows and appreciate her willingness to sit and listen while asking questions that help me process life. Today we talked about the future. What does it look like to change career paths in our late 20s? Is debt wise to help find our vocation? How do we overcome the fear of past disappointments/rejections? Needless to say we did not walk away with new careers but instead walked away with a willingness to get into the game.

The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions. Preparing to leave for Peru then having to make the hard decision to not go to Peru. The struggle of planning and preparing to leave my community then the joy of not having to leave. The pain I probably caused the community I was going to be part of in Lima was not something I am proud of, but God had a different plan for my life. I thought I was processing through this disappointment, but instead, I was holding on to the bitterness I felt towards God for not sending me to Peru. I realized the bitterness was making me gun shy to pursue anything else, especially missions opportunities. I wanted to be mad and disappointed. I wanted to be the victim. God let me pout, but He also brought people around me that could speak words through the bitterness to help me see God. I realized my bitterness/anger was only hurting myself and I was letting the fear of disappointment/rejection paralyze me from moving on. Once I let go, God opened my eyes to so many ways I can use my gifts and talents for His kingdom. He also helped me realize my heart is trafficking prevention which is not the focus of the ministry I was going to be working with in Lima. I want to bring hope into the Red Light Districts around the world in a way points to a loving God that wants to restore brokenness. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I am getting back in the game by starting conversations about what that would look like for a white girl from Southern California. I am taking steps to find my vocation.

Today we walked to the harbor. As we walked back to our cars, a man who appeared to be homeless angrily asked/yelled "What are you so happy about?" as we crossed paths on the sidewalk. He did not wait for a response, but the question made me realize God has restored my joy in the little things. My heart is lighter and my laughter more genuine. Thanks random guy making me realize I have so much to be happy about and my joy is noticeable to others.

Joy is...

Sitting on a porch enjoying breakfast with a good friend.
Kids asking where I have been and why I have't been in their class lately.
Worshiping with high school students each Wednesday night.
Eating pizza with old friends and new.
Sitting and talking in my car till midnight knowing I have to teach in the morning.
Spontaneous trips to visit friends at school to talk about life.
Talking to my brother for an hour to hear about life in Georgia.
Going to 21 Choices/Dairy Queen because it is Wednesday/Sunday night.
Seeing pictures of my nephew and knowing I'll get to play with him in a week.
Watching my cousin get married which means our family is growing.
Seeing kids bust a move on the dance floor because they don't care who is watching.
Getting a letter in the mail from a friend.
Reading a blog that speaks the words I need to hear.

Knowing I am loved. 

It has been one of those weeks. I realized how broken my heart is that I will not be going to Peru in January. I have had the same conversation in different depths multiple times with people in passing or over coffee. Each time I have to tell someone I am not going. Plans changed. I am still here. It is hard to articulate in words about the frustration of not going with the excitement of seeing what God has for me in this next season. As for now, I look for the blessings and joy of doing life here with people I love. We are only guaranteed today so why not make the most of it.

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day."

Henri Nouwen

Sometimes it gets Messy

Life is messy. This is something we can all agree on. We are bombarded with images of pretty happy families that seem like they have come out of a Norman Rockwell painting. We see girls with perfect, blemish-free skin or guys with perfect physique. We see women with no wrinkles or men enjoying a round of golf with no bladder issues. It's almost as if these people have pretty plastic shells which keep any unpleasantness hidden from the world. It creates an unhealthy idea that we have to have our lives put together in a pretty package in order for others to accept us. The truth is I would much rather sit and talk with a friend about my messy life than try to keep all my mess concealed. I love talking over coffee for hours listening to friends talk about real life. Talking about things that really matter to them because they become things that matter to me.

In order to truly do life together, we have to be willing to get messy. We also have to be willing to share our mess with others.

It has taken me many years to to learn how to live life with other without being afraid of keeping my mess hidden. I learned there is freedom in transparency. I learned that people love me regardless of my mess. I learned to be honest.

God knows our hearts. God knows our messiness. God provides people who love us in our messiness.

Change in Perspective

The last month has been filled with a lot of decisions that resulted in a lot of changes. A month ago, I had a departure date in January. I was having final coffee dates with people that I may not have seen for a few years. I was preparing my heart and mind to move to a new culture and context. I was avoiding the hard goodbyes while trying to figure out how to pack up my life in only a few suitcases. That has all changed.

It has been a difficult road to walk as I followed God down a path and prepared my heart for His plan. The path has lead to a stop sign. There is a bend in the road. It was not where I thought the path would go. It means I will be here a while longer. I will invest here. I will continue to build community here. It raises many questions for which I don't have a clear answer. I feel like Abraham when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac then provided a ram instead. (Genesis 22) I do not know what my ram looks like but I know God will provide as I continue on the path He has laid before me. 

In light of all of the decisions and changes, my heart feels like it has taken a beating. I have been happy, sad, joyful, frustrated, disappointed, mad, angry, excited and apathetic as the changes became a reality and I would no longer be moving to Peru in January. I was frustrated at starting over. I had no motivation to pursue other ways to do ministry overseas. I felt stuck. It was not until today I realized I needed a change in perspective. Instead of being disappointed at the direction of the journey, I needed to be joyful for all the new possibilities. Instead of being frustrated at the process, I needed to be thankful for direction. 

Today I dreamed. I met with a friend over coffee and we talked about the messiness of life. We agreed that building community means diving into the mess with people we love. We talked about our desire to follow God into the hard places. We talked about what it looks like to love people. It was fun to dream about the future. About marriage. About careers. About living radically. About loving well. Today I allowed my heart to dream.

Today I laughed. I laughed a lot. It reminded me of what it felt like to be engaged in life. I saw the joy of friends coming together to reminisce about working at camp. I saw genuine laughter after talking about how stressful college can be. I was reminded the good times always outweigh the hard times. I let myself laugh. I let myself enjoy the moments. I laughed at the little things. It felt good to live in the moment while finding joy in the past.

I realized I can let the uncertainty steal my joy or find joy in the time I have with the people I love. I choose joy. I choose laughter. I choose love.

Lessons from a Child

This is Josiah. He is two and a half years old. In this picture he is Peter fighting the witch in Narnia. He doesn't realize a rocking horse and wooden spoon can not defeat evil, but in this moment, good will always win. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately as I have conversations with students or just spend time with kids is they still have the ability to dream. They dream about becoming a doctor or a professional athlete. They dream about becoming moms and dads. They dream about living in a mansion and driving around in a limo. (Anyone remember playing M.A.S.H?) They dream about attending UCLA or USC. They still have the freedom to dream. When do adults lose the ability to dream? Is it in high school when we realize our dream college is out of reach? Is it in college when we realize we have papers to write and work two jobs just to pay for school? Is it after college when we don't get the dream job we worked four years to prepare for? Is it when the bills start coming and there never seems to be enough money to dream and live life? 

The first time I realized I had stopped dreaming was when I realized my dreams had not come true. I had worked hard in college to double major and have internships so that I would be set up to make my dreams come true. The funny thing is that God had different dreams for me. He sent me to Africa so I would hear simple dreams of going to school. He sent me to Ecuador so I would understand dreams in another language. He sent me to China to see the reality that owning a Bible is a dream. He sent me to Indonesia to watch dreams change as someone learns more about Christianity. He sent me to India to see the strength it takes to dream again after dreams have been shattered. He is keeping me here for the moment so I can learn what it means to dream when things don't work out. 

I have been reading Bob Goff's Love Does and he uses words like whimsy, imagination and wonder when it talks about dreaming. He very clearly shows that loving and living are intertwined and sometimes all we have to do to make dreams come true is to show up. I have had the privilege to work with thousands of students as a substitute teacher, youth group volunteer and camp counselor. I have made dream comes true many times by just showing up. Sometimes it was showing up to cheer them on at a sports meet/game/event that I didn't understand. Sometimes it was showing up with a frappuccino in hand to catch up on life. Sometimes it was showing up at the hospital just to say hi. Sometimes it was showing up to after a long night of bad decisions because they needed to talk. I learned this from people who showed up for me. They investing time which has left a lasting impression. 

I do not know the plans God has for me, but in the mean time I am going to love people and make some dreams come true. I will leave you with this final thought from Goff's Love Does:

"I learned that fully loving and fully living are not only synonymous but the kind of life that Jesus invited us to be a part of."

Bidwell Park in Chico is whimsical and fully of possibilities for dreamers.

Then Sometimes There is a Pause

Have you ever followed God down a path that you couldn't have planned yourself? I have followed God into some pretty incredible places. Some were incredibly beautiful. Some were incredibly hard. Some were incredibly broken. Some were incredibly joyful. Most of the time, the places God leads encompasses all of these things. The journey to Peru to been filled with joy and sorrow. It has been filled with excitement and fear. The journey will continue. At the moment, I am on pause.

I had a departure date. Now I do not.

I am fully confident in my calling to Peru but the path to get there may be changing. It has been a year since I started this process. Now it is on hold. It is mentally hard because I feel like I am back at step one, but I know God is good. The plans He has are better than I can ever hope or dream.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man;

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. 

Proverbs 19:21

As we read this verse in Bible study this morning, I realized it doesn't matter what I have planned because ultimately God has a way better plan. I am keeping my eyes focused on God as I take each step in my journey. 

27 Dresses....or Something Like That

I have had the honor and privilege of standing beside two of my good friends over the last month as they tied the knot. It has been an exhausting month filled with bridal showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings/alterations, pedicures, rehearsal dinners and wedding day hair and make up. There are years of friendship and memories that lead up to standing beside my friends as they embark on the journey of marriage. I have 11 dresses hanging in my closet reminding me of the honor it is to have participated in the joy and celebration of 11 of my friends finding their media naranja (their other half). I was in a wedding a couple weeks ago and another bridesmaid was asking me how many weddings I had been in. I told her that wedding made 10 and she reminded me that means I have 10 people that consider me important enough to them that I get to stand beside them on the happiest day of their life. I sometimes compare my life to the movie 27 Dresses and a friend reminded me that after the 27th dress, the main character married the hot guy in her 28th dress. I am honored to be part of so many weddings and the way those friends have loved and supported me as I roamed the globe. I am loved.

I am writing this on the eve of my 28th birthday. Ten years ago I was a senior in high school taking the SATs and dreaming about meeting Prince Charming in college and having kids by the time I was 30, which seemed so far away. I realize God had way bigger plans for my life than I did. In the last ten years, I have had the opportunity to travel to 20 different countries on 5 continents. I have done youth ministry with some amazing human beings and thousands of high school students. I have seen joy on the faces of starving and dirty kids in Uganda, Ecuador, Indonesia and India. I have spent countless hours talking about hopes, dreams and fears over coffee. I am looking forward to the next 10 years of adventures and living life with those I love. I am blessed.

Here is to my 28th year. It will be filled with fun, love, adventure and following God where He will lead me.