Sunday, February 9, 2014

"What are you so happy about?!?!?"

Today I spend the morning with a good friend eating gluten free pancakes, drinking chai tea lattes and strolling along the Dana Point Harbor. This friend has walked the path of disappointment, anger, sadness and joy of not going to Peru. It has been a path filled with high and lows and appreciate her willingness to sit and listen while asking questions that help me process life. Today we talked about the future. What does it look like to change career paths in our late 20s? Is debt wise to help find our vocation? How do we overcome the fear of past disappointments/rejections? Needless to say we did not walk away with new careers but instead walked away with a willingness to get into the game.

The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions. Preparing to leave for Peru then having to make the hard decision to not go to Peru. The struggle of planning and preparing to leave my community then the joy of not having to leave. The pain I probably caused the community I was going to be part of in Lima was not something I am proud of, but God had a different plan for my life. I thought I was processing through this disappointment, but instead, I was holding on to the bitterness I felt towards God for not sending me to Peru. I realized the bitterness was making me gun shy to pursue anything else, especially missions opportunities. I wanted to be mad and disappointed. I wanted to be the victim. God let me pout, but He also brought people around me that could speak words through the bitterness to help me see God. I realized my bitterness/anger was only hurting myself and I was letting the fear of disappointment/rejection paralyze me from moving on. Once I let go, God opened my eyes to so many ways I can use my gifts and talents for His kingdom. He also helped me realize my heart is trafficking prevention which is not the focus of the ministry I was going to be working with in Lima. I want to bring hope into the Red Light Districts around the world in a way points to a loving God that wants to restore brokenness. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I am getting back in the game by starting conversations about what that would look like for a white girl from Southern California. I am taking steps to find my vocation.

Today we walked to the harbor. As we walked back to our cars, a man who appeared to be homeless angrily asked/yelled "What are you so happy about?" as we crossed paths on the sidewalk. He did not wait for a response, but the question made me realize God has restored my joy in the little things. My heart is lighter and my laughter more genuine. Thanks random guy making me realize I have so much to be happy about and my joy is noticeable to others.