choosing to be blind

from the very beginning of my work at mama t's, there has been one girl that everyone wants to work with and her name is mita. mita is blind because her eyes never fully developed (or at least that's what i have been told) but is usually one of the easier kids to work with. she knows when it is time to change her diaper and will cooperate in that process as much as she is able to and is generally easy to feed. it has become my job to take mita to class for the blind kids on fridays which is not her favorite thing to do but it is part of the routine for her. today she was in a very energetic mood and decided to stand up and start jumping with excitement. in this process, she began to fall forward at which point i needed to catch her. (she cannot stand on her own.) taylor was sitting right next to me and pointed out that she was trusting that my hands would be there to catch her. she is not able to see that there are hands there to catch her but she is trusting that someone or something will be there to catch her when she is falling. it made me realize that in many ways my ability to see things keeps me from trusting. i see my own insecurities and weaknesses and am hesitant to trust others with those things. i am hesitant to trust that God will provide the things i need for fear of Him letting me down. unlike mita i see all the ugly things in the world that make me hesitant to trust. what would it be like if i choose to be blind to the things of the world so that i could trust that God would catch me when i fall? in my last three weeks all i can do is trust that God will give me the words to say as the ladies ask me when i will come back. i will trust that God will guide my path as i start news things when i get home. i will trust that God will provide comfort and peace as i say goodbye to the community that He has given me in kolkata. i am trusting as i fall into the loving arms of God who will not let me fall.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 2 corinthians 5:6-8

humbling

yesterday was the first of many Christmas parties. i received my first sari (yay!) so that i can wear it to the sari bari Christmas parties. i was so honored to be sitting around the table with some amazing people who have become my family here. i was so humbled that i God gave me the privilege to serve alongside some awesome americans that have made kolkata home and the amazing indian staff that have welcomed us, the mergi bachas (baby chickens), into their life. the festive feeling started as we walked along the streets of kolkata hand in hand. bideshi and deshi. there was no division which was probably really confusing for anyone who saw our group. after dinner we were all on the same packed metro so the party continued. we were responsible for taking our indian little brother home because our indian parents were going somewhere else before heading home. he was sitting on my lap speaking english with us so one lady leaned over and asked if he was my son. it made us all laugh but apparently i can pass for an indian mom. good to know. this morning during our conversational bengali class, our teacher (who is awesome and amazing all at the same time) asked us how we were feeling about leaving. this brought tears all around. our teacher told us that she doesnt want us to leave and prays every day that we will come back and join the staff here. it is so hard to be torn between our family back home and our family here.
tonight on the way home, we stopped and talked to our usual peeps. the cigarette lady talked about something (couldnt really understand what she talking about) for five minutes then told us we need to come sit and have sweets with her before we leave. she also wants a picture of us to keep when we leave so she can remember us when we go back to america. she also gave us some better cookies that she refused to accept any money for and said that if we gave her money she would throw it in the street. so humbling to know that these people count us as friends now and not just strangers that pass by. as we walked away, she said we have to come back before we leave. we see her every day but she is still afraid that we will leave without saying goodbye. we then stopped and talked to the cha (tea) lady who made us sit and eat at least a mishti. we shared the cookies from the cigarette lady with her. as we walked to the internet cafe, we ran into one of our neighborhood friends who said we looked so cute last night (we were dressed up from the Christmas party) and that we now have a indian attitude. he said we are no longer foreigners but we are indian. it is really humbling to hear that as our time to leave is rapidly approaching.
i look back and see how God has provided in amazing and humbling ways throughout my time in kolkata. at the beginning i thought december 29th would never come but He has provided motivation, strength, health, perseverance, and joy to thrive in this city. my God is bigger than this city and that is a truly humbling thought.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. james 1:27

mosquito hunting and other games kids play

one of my joys since i have been here is playing with the kids. i am surrounded by kids at least two days a week at mama t's. on tuesday, i was helping andeep walk, his daily exercise to strengthen his legs, and he discovered a stuffed soccer ball by the window i always walk him by to see the street below. i was in awe as he was able to kick the ball and had the strength to direct the path he wanted to continue kicking the ball. his grunts of joy made me realize that he was completely happy in that moment. when the ball went out of his sight, he would look all around his feet and refused to move until he found it. a smile would spread across his face when he saw it in front of his feet so he was once again able to continue practicing dribbling his soccer ball. after he was changed and ready for name time, i took so time to play with him and it is in those moments where his laughter is loud enough for all to hear that i see the joy that God has given in this dark city. i have also had some really awesome moments at sari bari with the kids who occasionally accompany their mom/grandma to work. i remember the times i had to go to work with my dad and it was fun for a couple hours but after awhile it was boring so i want to make it a little more fun for those kids. one day it involved following a little boy around the office as he pointed out what he saw as important and then we play memory. his idea of playing memory was turning over all the cards then putting the matches together. it was so cool to work together in those few moments. another day at a different office, it involved getting slayed like a dragon multiple times by the valiant knight. laughter floated throughout the whole office and im sure most of the ladies thought i was crazy. it was worth it to see the smile on that kid's face. today at another office, i played mosquito hunter with a little boy for at least three hours. it started out as a way of getting rid of all the mosquitoes but turned into creating a pile of dead mosquitoes. when the mosquitoes were too elusive we switched to hide and seek which then turned into me being the tickle monster. at one point he was like a baby monkey attached to my back as i was sewing. i walked away with my neck covered in snot and spit but it was worth it for the few moments of laughter. sometimes this city can seem like such a dark and joyless place but it is in those moments of laughter that i reminded of God's goodness and provision. He uses children to remind me that i am His child. He wants me to smile and laugh and be ridiculous because He loves me. He has filled my joy today so it overflowed. Joi Jesu!

Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad. Psalm 126:2-3

the friends we've made

tonight on our walk home from the metro, as we have done for the last couple months, we stopped and talked to the lady that sells cigarettes out of a small wooden shack. she always asked us, as she always does, what we ate today and what we will eat for dinner. if we are carrying a bag of groceries, she will take it from our hands and inspect the contents. she is usually confused by some of the things we have like peanut butter or taco seasoning. she asks us when we are leaving and wants us to bring her some cake on Borodin (Christmas). today she said that she wants to go back to america with us. she is always a smiling face that welcomes us home to our neighborhood. our second stop is at the local cha (tea) stand. tonight the cha lady treated us to tea and snacks. we sit on empty buckets and talk as she continues cooking sweets. we met her daughter and she said that she has 3 other children. she allowed us a look into her life. next we usually meet with some friends that erin has made from the neighborhood. they knew my name before i ever talked to them. i like to think of them as the neighborhood watch/walking club. they spend their time just walking around so we usually stop and talk with them in the middle of the street. we do our best to understand their questions and respond in our broken bangla. they always greet us with a smile. our last stop is the internet cafe we come to almost every night. we are usually welcomed with big smiles and some questions about our day. they have come to know us and can tell if we are tired or sad or mad or happy. since the internet is what connects us to home, they have also seen us grieve as we receive bad news. each of these people have become part of our story in this city. last week we came home later than usual and each of these people asked where we had been. it was so humbling to know that we have become part of this community. it is more people that we will have to say goodbye to in less than a month. i am grateful for their willingness to show kindness to a few bideshis (foreigners) for these few months. it is always nice to receive kindness after having to fight through another day.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed 2 corinthians 4:7-9

loss for words

with a month to go i am at a loss for words. i was sitting in the kitchen with my indian mom and we were talking then she said that the kids are already sad because we are leaving. she said "my kids love you too much." what do i say in that moment? yesterday i walking into sari bari and one of the ladies ran up to me and gave me a huge hug because i showed up when she wasnt expecting me to. part of it was because she always has a ton of work for me to do and part of it was that i have spent so much time in the sewing room that she is like a sister now. after i left she asked my indian dad if they could hire me. what do i say in that moment? today at mama t's they asked why we werent there last friday (we were recovering from our thanksgiving food coma). it is so affirming to know that we have become a part of the mama t community. the mashis have come to appreciate our attempts at speaking bangla with them. they always ask when we are leaving. what do i say in that moment? in those moments all i can do i enjoy the time i have left with the people i have grown to love.

the golf course and the slum

first off, thanksgiving kolkata style was awesome! we had a full spread of food which included a cheese and veggie tray for appetizers, mashed potatoes (my favorite), green beans, stuffing, homemade bread and 3 kinds of pies. brooke also treated us to some peanut butter m&ms and hot chocolate. thanks brooke! we were so full that the whole metro ride all we could do was compare our bellies to see whose was the biggest. it was so much fun to share this holiday with our community here.

as i was riding the metro to sari bari on thursday morning, i noticed along the way that there is a golf course (super nice and kept up) right across the street from a slum. i have noticed this before but thursday was the first time i saw people actually playing a round of golf. it was a scene out of any american golf course. people carrying around hundreds of dollars worth of clubs and wearing equally expensive clothes standing around and taking turns hitting a ball into a hole. i live next to a golf course back home so this is something i see all the time. this time is hit me so differently because seeing the slum community across the street brought to mind the story of lazarus and the rich man. (luke 16:19-31) this is a scene i see almost every day as the wealthy people of this city walk past the poor and broken people that make the streets their home. there is a very high wall that separates the golf course from the street. i see it as the rich trying to keep themselves sheltered from the harsh reality the majority of the population face on a daily basis. i know that this city has helped me to build some walls as a way to protect myself, but in other ways, this city has destroyed the wall that in the past has allowed me to walk past the poor without a second thought. i look into their eyes and give them a smile but my heart breaks because i cant do more. tonight as we were walking home, the local cha (tea) lady gave us (and would not accept any money) some misti (sweets) and cha. it is in moments like that i realize that these people who live on very little are willing to bless us by giving so much. i have noticed over the past couple years that those who have much money are often (not always) times the people who hold on the tightest to it. God is still teaching me what it looks like to be His hands, feet and mouth in this broken city but for now i am learning about how to be open handed. as i head into the final month of my time here, i see the ways God is providing through the people around me and the support and encouragement from friends and family. i can already see that a part of my heart will always be in kolkata. taylor explained it perfectly on the train today. she said that just like the women sew the blankets that they are now sown into our hearts. i see it as i am trading pieces of my heart with these ladies like a friendship necklace. either way, this experience will continue to shape the journey God has called me to. God is good. All the time.

But Abraham said, 'Child, remember that you in your lifetime received your good things, and Lazarus in like manner bad things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in anguish. Luke 16:25

a helping hand

i am a person who tries to do everything on my own without help but at the same time i love to help others. working at sari bari i have learned that while it is good to attempt to help others, i also have to be willing to receive help as well. last week, there wasn't much work to be done so taylor and i were given the job of washing about 50 red plastic coffee cups that are used twice a day to serve tea to the ladies. there was a layer of grime on the bottom half of the cup from a couple years of neglect. taylor washed them once but our boss (our home stay dad) was a tough critic and wanted it clean. this meant five long hours of scrubbing and a couple layers of skin and nails. it was completely worth it because we were washing them in the bathroom area (don't ask why....i have no idea) so most of the ladies would walk by and see the task we were given. at tea time (thankfully we finished in time) one of the ladies looked at my hands and immediately reached into her bag and grabbed some lotion and applied it to my wrinkled hands. there was such love and care in that moment. i wanted to resist but i realized that in that moment i needed her helping hands.

today i realized how much these ladies have come to accept and allow us into the sari bari family. after the ladies eat lunch everyday, they will usually take naps until lunch hour is over. today was a lazy day so when the bell rang most of the women were slow to get up so i did the only thing i knew how to do.....i offered a helping hand. it was so cool in that moment to see their willingness to let me help them. it reminded me that sometimes we dont want to get up or move from something that is comfortable but God is offering us His hand to help us move. ill be the first to admit that kolkata was never on my top 5 list of destinations but i chose reach out and let God help me up and lead me where He wanted me to go. this experience hasnt been easy but i can see God's provision all around me. i know He wont let me go. this city has shown me God's love and joy.

"Joy is an anchor: it is heavy. It falls into the coldest, deepest darkest places, where the current and pressure are enough to crush bone, and it holds there. On the surface waves crash and roll, and we are not steady but we are held, and somehow that is beautifully enough." ~ Lisa Velthouse